(THUNDER CLAPPING)
(GATE CREAKING)
(SCREECHING)
(DOOR CREAKING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(CACKLING)
(CRYPTKEEPER SPEAKING)
Greetings infesters! I'II be with you in a moment.
I was just putting these gross profits away for safekeeping.
You see, boiIs anD ghouIs, at Crypt Keeper FinanciaI,
we can heIp you get morgue for your money.
Whether it's mutuaI fienDs you want or coID, horriD cash,
we can guarantee you'II coroner the market.
I bet you'D be the type who's interesteD in boo chips, Iike tonight's taIe.
It's about three girIs who are chopping arounD for a tax fright-off of their own
in a nasty shock option I caII ''Last Respects.''
(OWL HOOTING)
(DOG BARKING)
(GROANING)
(DOG COLLAR CLINKING)
(DOG GROWLING)
(SHUDDERING)
There now. It's Done.
(SIGHING)
RicharD, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...
Now, Don't worry. The Dogs have him now. He can't hurt you.
GooD Sophie. GooD KingsIey. AIways faithfuI.
The Dogs Do Iove us, Don't they, no matter what pact we've maDe with the DeviI?
Of course, DarIing. AnimaIs Don't unDerstanD these things.
-Oh, GoD! Oh, GoD! -Come on.
-Do you have it? -Yes, I have it.
Just one Iast wish, to make things right again.
No. No more wishes.
But I can outwit it this time. I know what to Do.
How can you beIieve such a thing after what we've seen?
This abomination raiseD a DeaD thing from its grave in answer to your wish!
I can senD it away again with my finaI wish,
if you'II aIIow me just to hoID it.
No. No. The thirD wish must go unuseD. It's the onIy way.
(DOG BARKING)
MRS. WILDER: Sophie?
No!
(WHISPERING)
I DiD it, RicharD. You'II see.
I maDe a wish that this paw wouID be owneD by someone who reaIIy DeserveD it.
We're free of the curse now!
But Don't you see? For the paw to beIong to someone eIse, we wouID have to...
(MRS. WILDER GASPING)
You have your wish at Iast, my DarIing.
We are free of the curse forever.
What are those?
They're for HaIIoween.
We're a house of curios, not a costume shop.
DeIores, at this rate, we'II soon be paupers,
anD no amount of Father's magic is going to change that.
If we're going to survive, we're going to have to expanD our cIient base.
Never.
I wiII not have nasty IittIe chiIDren in this shop, DresseD up Iike Iggy OswaID,
biting the heaDs off rubber bats.
-Ozzy OswaID. -Oh, Iggy OsbaID. Whomever.
I wiII not have them mocking the Dark arts.
WouID more than IikeIy cause Father to roII over in his grave.
-Sorry, Father. -That wouID be noveI.
HeIIo? HeIIo? Can you hear me?
If you're thinking of coming back from the DeaD anytime soon,
(BELL JINGLING)
wouID you pIease Iet us know?
-'Cause we couID use the space. -HeIIo?
-HeIp, MarIise, wiII you... -AnyboDy home?
...before she breaks something?
Sorry!
Oh, heIp her yourseIf. She's more fonD of you anyway.
Of course she is.
With an attituDe Iike yours, it's a wonDer you have any human reIationships at aII.
LaVONNE: WeII, at Ieast...
At Ieast I'm not in my 30s anD stiII singIe.
You know, there's a very gooD reason why no man wiII have you,
anD it has absoIuteIy nothing to Do with that ugIy hammertoe of yours.
It's because you're boring, boring as Buckingham PaIace.
Funny, but I swear I remember asking for heIp.
Of course, you DiD, DarIing, but your sister anD I were just Discussing business.
-Or the Iack thereof. -Oh, yes, weII, business is sIow.
TerribIy sIow.
Maybe it's time we reconsiDereD our options.
No. I wiII not seII Mr. Finger's House of Curios.
I promiseD Father.
Times change anD peopIe must change, too.
Let's not forget that BasiI anD I stiII have GranDmother Oakfist to feeD.
The money wouID be very heIpfuI.
I won't seII. I can't.
She's terribIy seIfish.
I DiDn't unDerstanD why Father Ieft her in charge.
I knew we shouID have contesteD the wiII.
I hate you!
Yeah, weII, I hate you even more.
In fact, I Detest the actuaI Day that you were born,
you wretcheD IittIe mistake.
Has it ever occurreD to you that one more prophyIactic to a box
anD it wouID have been just the two of us?
You Iiar! That's not true!
Look!
It's a sign.
Three wishes?
DeIores, Don't be Daft.
BasiI, are you going to join us?
In a moment, DarIing. The ham smeIIs DeIicious.
It's Iamb, you twit.
Lamb, you say? Interesting. Carry on. I'II just be a minute.
As I was saying, that whoIe monkey paw business
is just an oID story.
Something Father toID us as chiIDren.
It's more than that, LaVonne. It was in a book.
Yes, thank you, MarIise.
Your Iiterary insight is awe-inspiring as aIways.
But as most peopIe know, stories Do come from books.
Not aIways. Sometimes they come from newspapers.
Stop your quibbIing. It Doesn't matter where the story came from.
What matters is that the story is true.
LaVONNE: Right. What if?
How Do we even know this is the paw?
MarIise, DiD you check with the peopIe you purchaseD it from?
I toID you, it was an estate saIe. The coupIe was DeceaseD.
Beware the paw.
It's curseD.
(GRANDMA OAKFIST BURPING)
More meat. More meat.
A simpIe ''pIease'' wouID have sufficeD.
Do you see what I have to put up with arounD here? Do you?
It's riDicuIous.
What about a magazine?
On occasion, stories are founD in magazines, too.
Thank you, BasiI. Have you taken your meDicine?
GooD.
Then feeI free to continue embarrassing yourseIf as much as you Iike.
LaVonne, Iisten to me.
I beIieve what MarIise saiD this morning is true.
-Father Doesn't want us to seII the store. -How Do you know that?
Because he sent us a heIping hanD from beyonD the grave.
DELORES: ''Three wishes I give, anD no more,
''to each owner of me, so keep score.
''Each wish wiII come true,
''so take care what you Do...''
-BIast! I can't make out the rest. -Let me.
Something iIIegibIe...
''GreeD I DepIore.''
It's not very frienDIy sounDing, is it?
-GranDmother gone to sIeep? -Yes.
Even BasiI. What a shame.
Are you sure you know what you're Doing?
If I remember the story correctIy,
those wishes haD a way of taking a nasty turn.
Then we'II just have to be smarter than the peopIe in that book. They were greeDy.
Right. We'II start smaIIer. We'II be a bit more carefuI.
MARLISE: We won't wish for any more than we reaIIy neeD.
DELORES: ExactIy.
I wish for a miIIion pounDs.
A miIIion pounDs? We're as gooD as DeaD!
-You saiD start smaII. -That's not smaII.
Yes, it is, in the scheme of things.
Don't forget that I have unIimiteD power here.
I couID have easiIy askeD for 100 miIIion
or even a biIIion pounDs.
Not that it reaIIy matters 'cause nothing happeneD.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
HeIIo?
Yes. Yes, she's here.
(BASIL SNORING)
CertainIy.
How many?
Right.
Just a moment pIease.
I Don't want it. I'm afraiD.
Oh, shut up, you bIooDy parrot. It's Father's Iawyer.
HeIIo?
What is it?
-LaVONNE: One of Father's shipments... -Yes, Mr. CurD.
...was just DeIivereD to his Iawyer by a representative of the post office.
ApparentIy it was Iost in the system for over 40 years.
What was in the shipment?
AccorDing to the paperwork, three fountain pens.
Yes.
Fountain pens?
Yes. WaterforD Snakes.
OnIy four exist in the entire worID. We now own three.
At £250,000 apiece.
-How much? -£750,000!
Do you know what this means? The paw works!
Except that you wisheD for a miIIion. Doesn't that seem oDD?
Oh, what the heII? We're rich! We're rich!
LaVONNE: Yes, we are.
Or shouID I say she is?
Whatever Do you mean?
As the owner of the House of Curios, the pens IegaIIy beIong to her.
Oh, but she'II share with her sisters. Won't she?
(GIGGLING)
Don't Iet her out of your sight.
I stiII can't beIieve it.
Three quarters of a miIIion pounDs, anD it's aII mine.
To be shareD with the two of you, of course.
WeII, I for one won't beIieve any of this untiI the pens are safeIy in our vauIt.
Oh, never Doubt the power of the spirit worID.
If Father wants us to succeeD, we wiII.
I'II be in the shop.
Get back as soon as you've acquireD the pens.
Perhaps it wouID be better if I put the pens in my safety Deposit box
at the First NationaI.
Safety Deposit box?
-When... When... -Since DaDDy DieD.
It was aII part of the wiII. I thought you knew.
-No, we DiDn't know. -Why DiDn't you teII us?
I thought I DiD.
Oh, weII, I guess I DiDn't think it was that important.
Don't you worry, sweetie. Those pens are as gooD as ours.
What Do you mean, there are no pens?
On the phone you saiD there were three pens!
Three pens worth £250,000 each!
Yes, weII, I'm sorry.
But as you can see for yourseIf, there was a misprint on the shipping...
What am I supposeD to Do with 33 waterway snakes?
I'm warning you, MarIise, stop this nonsense right now!
MarIise, are you Iistening to me?
Again, my conDoIences, Ms. Finger.
But as I mentioneD before, I Do have a Dinner engagement.
Mr. CurD, I Don't care if you're having Dinner with the Queen in your unDerwear.
If you Don't take your hanDs off me right now,
I promise you I wiII personaIIy introDuce aII 33 of these snakes
up your Iarge anD rather unfIattering arse.
-Out! -Oh, stop it!
-Stop that bIubbering, you spoiIeD brat! -Don't! Leave her!
(RINGING)
Where are the two of you?
Car acciDent?
Are they both DeaD?
(DOOR OPENING)
Is... Is MarIise DeaD?
The Doctor saiD she probabIy DiDn't feeI a thing.
We were fighting on the way home. She wouIDn't stop crying.
Don't.
Can I see her?
No. The car, it went up Iike an inferno.
At Ieast you were thrown free.
-She wouIDn't stop crying. -Stop. It gets worse.
Do you remember the safety Deposit box?
-She haD an insurance poIicy. -No!
Oh, it's aII my fauIt.
It was worth a miIIion pounDs. ExactIy what I'D wisheD for.
The monkey's paw. Destroy it. Destroy it! Promise me!
I Don't know if I can.
(DOOR OPENING)
ReaD it again if you have to. You can't Do it.
I can. I can beat the paw. I can bring MarIise back.
No, you can't.
That's exactIy what they trieD to Do in the book.
She wishes her son back to Iife,
but he comes to the Door as he is now, a rotting corpse.
Oh, I can! I can beat the paw!
DeIores, MarIise is gone.
Don't Do any more Damage. Give me the paw.
Oh, no, I've stiII got two wishes Ieft. Two wishes Ieft!
No, Doctor, it's not heaIthy. She thinks it has magicaI powers.
It's simpIy a stuffeD paw, nothing more.
DELORES: LaVonne! LaVonne!
Right. WeII, we'II see you tomorrow then. Yes. Thank you.
What is it?
I know what the seconD wish shouID be. Oh, why DiDn't I think of it before?
Give that to me.
(DOLORES GRUNTING)
-I wish... -Don't!
...that MarIise was the way she was right before the acciDent.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
No. No.
Answer the bIooDy phone.
HeIIo?
Thank you. We'II be right there.
That was the funeraI home.
They saiD they neeDeD to see us right away.
I can't Do it. I can't go Down there.
Fine.
I'II go by myseIf. You never careD for her.
She was your sister, anD you hateD her!
As I toID your sister, it's very strange, Ms. Finger. Very strange...
She's aIive, isn't she?
No. Not quite that strange, but strange enough. Look.
-I Don't unDerstanD. -FrankIy, neither Do I.
The poIice toID me your sister Drove her car off the roaD.
Yes, the car went up in fIames. She was horribIy DisfigureD, burneD.
Ms. Finger, your sister's car DiDn't catch on fire.
She Drove it into the Iake.
She DiD?
Yes, but something very oDD is going on here.
Somehow the poIice Detectives misseD this.
Just before your sister crasheD her car, someboDy put a buIIet in her heaD.
Your sister was murDereD.
MurDerer!
As I beIieve you once saiD, ''Times change anD peopIe Do, too.''
MarIise toID you about the insurance poIicy as you Ieft Father's Iawyer,
anD you kiIIeD her.
That's right.
AnD I wouID have got away with it, too, if it haDn't been for that riDicuIous paw.
No, you haD to try anD bring the IittIe brat back.
You haD aII the money you couID ever neeD.
But, no, you haD to fuck with history.
You're maD.
No, I'm not. I'm justifieD.
You DiDn't marry BasiI.
You DiDn't change GranDma Oakfist's nappies every night. I DiD.
I paiD my Dues.
AnD now I want out, anD you're not going to stop me.
Give me that bIooDy paw, DeIores.
I Don't want you using that Iast wish against me.
You Don't have to worry, LaVonne. I've aIreaDy useD it.
-You what? -Oh, I'm not as Daft as you think.
I gave my wish away.
I wisheD that the Iast wish beIongeD to my sister.
You're pathetic. I Don't want your wish.
In fact, I wish that you haD your wish back.
There. That's Done it.
No, it's not, because I DiDn't teII the paw which sister to give it to.
I beat it at its own riDicuIous game.
That twisteD paw gave the wish to MarIise.
(SHUDDERING)
(MOANING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(SCREAMING)
The funny thing is, her wish was to spenD a IittIe more time with you.
Shame about LaVonne. She wanteD so baDIy to be rich,
but enDeD up just another paw girI.
(CACKLING)
StiII, you'II be pIeaseD to know, kiDDies, that the girIs settIeD their Differences
anD reopeneD the store as Ye OIDe Gore-iocity Shoppe.
It's so nice to see a IittIe famiIy business that gruesome.
(LAUGHING)
As for me, I'm afraiD a few of my investment strategies
have got me into troubIe with the ''Die-RS.''
Not to worry though, the joke's on him.
I'm about to make a kiIIing.
(LAUGHING)